I woke up a couple of mornings ago at 4am with this persistent feeling that has been with me for most of 2015.
That morning, I decided to really be honest about it & see what it was.
My deep, paralyzing fear of failure.
It exists on many levels.
- The people that I'd love to follow me see that I don't follow through on stuff & so trust is fractured
- My partner beginning to see how I'm not who I say I am because I don't always succeed
- My family seeing my life as a waste because I'm not productive or they can't brag about me
- My kids seeing that I'm not a good mom
- I haven't made real money
- I don't know if i truly have any skills to begin with
- People find me entertaining but don't join me in what I create Their presence validates me & I don't have it
- I really don't know shit & people can see that
- I don't have the right credentials/proof that I am knowledgable
This list goes on & on
This has kept me back from launching so many ideas OR in other words, putting the ideas that I do have into play... actually doing them! I haven't had the strong initiative because I'm so afraid of failing & you all seeing that in me. Seeing I'm a huge failure! I lied there stunned.
Then it hit me while talking with Carlos. What if I totally embraced failure? I made it my friend. What if I not only accepted it, I loved it? What if I actually sought it out & told myself that that's my goal? IT IS TO FAIL!!!
I FELT IN MY BODY A LIBERATION! I felt alive and free and so happy! My job this year was TO FAIL! That's was the point.
Suddenly, I was able to throw myself emotionally again into my ideas, my projects, my ALL with the full intention of failing. Failure had no power over me. Now, I could be empowered by failure to be me and be powerful to do ANYTHING! NOTHING scared me anymore.
Especially when one feels like they're not sure which direction to go & what to do, experiencing failure allows those boundaries to be created so that focus is more possible.
So, I guess, I warn you all. Since my word for 2016 I already said was GRACE. The perfect way to live out and be taught by my teacher, grace, is by failing. I will allow failure to be my substitute teacher.
I will LEARN so much about you, me, life, and my purpose in the world by failing. I CAN'T WAIT NOW TO FAIL!
Nothing scares me. I hope you enjoy the ride. It's going to be fun!
Each day I'll ask myself in what way did I fail today. YEAH! I DID IT! LOL
And every time I fail, I'll be sure to let you know (on Facebook)! That is going to be even better!!